Why Does It Hurt?

My husband told me today that he didn't know why he chose to stay with me after what happened.I never thought that those words would hurt so much.It was as if I had been shot in the heart and I couldn't breath.I tried hard not to cry because I didn't want him to see my hurt but it was killing me inside.I have prayed every night since the day he chose to work things out with me that things would get better for us and that our relationship would go stronger after.I guess my prayers have been left unheard because it's not going as I expected.How am I supposed to let go? How do I just give him up? I honestly don't think I can.I feel like I can't live without him.I wish I would of thought that way before.Why did I screw up? I am losing everything I have worked for and the one person who loved me for who I was.He made me smile and showed me he loved me all the time.Now going back on it all I can remember how good he was to me.I just don't understand why I couldn't see it before.I guess it is true when they say that you don't know what you have until its gone.I wish there was a way that I could take it all back and do things over.I wish things were the way they used to be.But its to late now huh? I have been with my husband for 9 years and he means alot to me.I am not sure if I can be strong enough to let go.Does that make me selfish? I know it probably does but I guess its just because I really want things to work between us.When I think of us, I see us old and happy in our own home.It sucks to love someone that doesn't love you back.I know that I didn't go threw the same pain that he felt when he found out I had cheated but the pain I have right now is unbearable.Its like my walls are crumbling down and all the world around me is going dark.I love him and that's all I can say.Should I just give him a chance to fly and see what happens then? Maybe that is what I should do but it scares me to let go because I'm afraid he will find someone else and I will be left alone.I just want him to love me back and forgive me for my mistake.Why did he stay with me? Why is he telling me this now? I can't make sense of it.I am hoping that this is all just a bad dream.I am not sure what I am going to do right now but I hope that he will re consider his decision. Does that make me a bad person for keeping him here even though its not where he wants to be? I am just so confused.

Everday I Tell Him

Everyday I tell you I love you with hopes you says it back.I admit I screwed up and through our relationship off track but just answer me this question,will you ever love me back? Everyday I tell you I love you, but still there's no reply.All you do is look at me with hate in your eyes.Will you punish me forever and just sit and watch me cry? Will you tell me that you love me and forgive me for the lies ? I don't know how to fix things and I can't take it anymore.Please tell me will you ever love me like you did before? I'm not ready to stop trying so I'll keep fighting in this war.As I lay here right beside you I watch you while you sleep and reminisce about the love we had a love so special and so deep.Where did things go wrong? Do you know because I don't.I just want things back to the way they were before. Everyday I tell you I love you yet nothing seems to change.Your heart is filled with sadness,anger,and with rage.We have 9 years of marriage and I have put it all to shame.I should of listened when they told me that love was not a game. Now my heart is in this prison of which you hold the key,waiting for the day to come when you will set it free.Today I will tell you I love you and maybe you will love me too.

What An Anniversary

So today was my 9 year anniversary and I had been planning to do something special for my husband since last week and if your married or in a long term relationship,I'm sure you know how hard it can be to try to make it as perfect as you can.So I decided to go buy some sexy lingerie to surprise my husband.I had decided to give him my small surprise tonight and yesterday at midnight I wanted to give him a small preview of what was to come,but things didn't quite turn out the way I planned it.In the middle of my preview session the baby woke up and so we had to check on her.After we thought she had gone back to sleep we continued where we had left off then she started crying again.I guess he got upset or something because he just got up and laid down on the opposite side of the bed from were I was.I asked him what was wrong and he told me that he was just going to go to bed.I asked him not to be that way and asked what was wrong.He of course ignored me.I continued to ask him to tell me what was wrong and boy was that a mistake.He freaking exploded like a damn volcano with steaming lava rushing out.He like usual threw the whole cheating thing in my face.Telling me things that are even to hurtful for me to type.He told me that he didn't love me and that the only thing that would make him happy was me giving him a divorce.It sucks that I went threw so much trouble just to plan what I was going to do for him today and what gift I was going to get him and all I got was a slap in the face.I mean I know he probably still hurts for the mistake that I made but if you don't try to leave the past in the past then you will always keep going back to it.I stayed up crying most of the night because I couldn't believe how mean he could be.I am not sure what you all think about this but maybe I deserve to be treated that way after what happened.I would love to hear what you think so leave me a line or two if you would like to share your 2 cents with me.


   -Jocelynn

The History Of Me

I have always been the type of person who always has a smile on their face even when I am having the worst day.But since I was about 9 I have learned how to hide my pain behind my smile.Everyone who knows me will always say that I never stop smiling but if they had the chance to look deep down inside of me they would see all the pain that's trapped inside .I think everything changed when I was 6 I don't remember much about my father before that since he was always getting into trouble and spent most of his life in jail.My mom and dad had been divorced since I was about 2 or 3 so I wasn't very close to his side of the family.I didn't really now my grandparents but little by little they started looking for me and picking me up to go visit them.I never knew this at the time since I was only a young girl and probably wouldn't know what it meant but my father was a convicted child molester and at no time was I supposed to be allowed near him,but of course my grandparents being his parents would pick me up so that I could see him.I always felt uncomfortable around them and I hated going to see them.I remember visiting them and going different places with them.I remember one day while I was at their house my grandpa picked me up to carry me I am not sure how old I was at this time but I can clearly remember it.As he was carrying me I remember him putting his hands up my dress and touching me in the area that clearly no grandparent should ever touch their grankids. I didn't know what he was doing but I could feel him rubbing his fingers against me.As I grew up it didn't seem to get any better.I was 9 or so when they had started wanting me to spend the night and as you could imagine I was scared I remember crying and telling them that I wanted to go home and my grandma was making fun of me telling me I was a mommas girl but she didn't know the reason behind my not wanting to stay there.That night I was forced to stay the night and It was the worst night of my life.I remember laying on a bunk bed in my aunt's room it was late at night and my grandpas office was located right next to the room.As I am laying there I can hear footsteps and I quickly pretend to be asleep as I had been crying because I wanted to go home.He then continues to walk in and approaches the bed where I am laying.He starts touching me and I just remember being scared and I didn't know what to do.I hated and dreaded going to see them because there was never a time that I could go visit without being molested my my grandpa.I thought at the time I was the only one in the family going threw this and I was scared to say anything to any one so I never did I just dealt with it the best way I could.As I got older of course I stopped going over and the only times I would see them were during Christmas which I didn't mind since I was always surrounded by family.But up until recently I learned that I was not alone in my battle with this man whom I considered evil.I am not going to say who else in the family it happened to as I want to protect them from any embarrassment and humiliation.Once I got to middle school I started talking to guys because my whole mind set of them having cooties had changed.At this time my dad would come around more often to see me at my mom's house.He and my mom had started talking to each other as friends so he would go over and they would drink and what not.I know it sounds bad but to me it was okay.I usually would spend the night at my best friends house just to get away of everything.I never did any drugs and still haven't till this day but going to her place was my way of escaping from everyone.One night that he was there I wasn't able to go to her house because she had left out of town with her family so I had no choice but to sleep at my own house.At this time I was about 11 and of course was still a virgin.In that particular house my bedroom was located on the north side looking out to the street.The bathroom to the house was located inside my room so in order to get to the bathroom you had to go threw my bed room which of course I hated.So any how I had fallen asleep earlier that night and my parents had stayed outside with some friends drinking.I remember being asleep then all of sudden feeling someone touch me in my private area. At the time I thought I was dreaming so in my dream I kept smacking the hand of this person.All of a sudden I wake up and there at the foot of my bed is my dad with his finger up my ______ just then as I see him I kick him right on the face and start to yell.I am yelling for my mom as loud as I could.She comes storming in and asks what was wrong I tell her what happened and as soon as I said it she begins to beat on him yelling bitching at him to get the fuck out of the house and that she was going to kill him.While all this is going on I remember sitting up on my bed and doing what any other person would do..I cried I couldn't believe it.It was so hard for me to understand why a father would do something like that to his own daughter.I remember becoming filled with hate with the urge of wanting to kill him.Not only did my grandpa do it to me but my father as well.I was hurt.I never told anyone what happened and the only one who knew was my mom.The day after I went to school I acted like if nothing had happened.I kept everything bottled up inside of me never sharing my story with anyone.Now I am 12 and I start going to the local boys and girls club with my best friend and I loved going there,loved being around friends and playing volleyball going to the dances they would have for us.It was a good time.The director of the boy's and girls club was a man of whom I will call George.He seemed like a nice man always taking us on trips and having pizza parties.At some point he noticed that my mom was always alone when she would come for me,so that led him to ask me about my mom.He asked if she was married and of course I answered no.He then asked me to tell her that he wanted to talk to her so I said OK.At this time I was so excited for my mom because I knew she had been alone for a while and I thought she could use some company.At first he seemed like a nice man.He treated her nice and he would bring his young daughter with him when he would go over.But all the Mr.nice guy didn't last long.One day while I was at the boy's and girls club he called me into his office so I went in and sat down on the chair.He asked me if I was going to be home later when he would go over because he was going to sleep over and I said yes.I asked him why and he responded with "OK,if I give you $100 dollars will you sleep with nothing but a long shirt on so that I can take pictures of you pussy.I was in shock and disappointed all at the same time.I said"what?" and he repeated him self all this was on a Friday so I knew that the next day I was going to be going out with my friend to a local skating ring.So the sound of $100 bucks sounded good.So I said okay.Now before you jump to conclusions, No I didn't do it.He gave me the money up front so I came up with a plan and made sure that on that night I would stay the night at my friend's house.As you can Imagine he was furious when he found out I wasn't going to be home.The next day my friend and I went to the skating ring and used some of the money and spent the rest on some clothes.The $100 dollars where gone in one day.I didn't go to the boy's and girls club for a while after that but then eventually I saw him again at my house.I went back to the boy's and girls club about 2 weeks after and as soon as he found out I was there he called me into his office.Telling me that I better give him his money back and what not.I told him I didn't have it and that I had already spent it all.He was so pissed.I got up walked out and left.A couple days went by and I didn't see him.Then one morning I was laying in my bedroom and he comes in to "use the bathroom". My mom and George had been out the night before to a club so my mom was still asleep.He walks in and yells at me to pull off my pants I tell him no.He then continues to pull me to the edge of my bed while he covers my mouth.At this point I am kicking him so he then decided to put his weight against my legs which are now hanging from the bed.With his free hand he pulls my pajamas down along with my panties and proceeds to have intercourse with me.I am crying by this time not only from the pain but from the questions that are going threw my head. Like "Why me?","What did I do wrong to deserve this". I stop moving and just lay there and let him finish I felt completely numb like I wasn't even there.When he comes close to finishing he pulls out and throws them on my stomach he then runs his finger threw it and wipes them on my mouth.He gets up buttons his pants and leaves.Immediately I get up and head for the shower.I was in there for quite a while.Making sure I was clean and crying because I didn't want my mom to find out.I felt dirty and guilty for not being stronger.I decided not to tell my mom because I didn't want to hurt her.That year I was with held in 7th grade because I couldn't concentrate in school.The next school year I made friends with a girl who said she went to the boy's and girls club.I asked her if she knew "Geroge" and she said yes.By that school year my mom and "George" were no longer talking.The girl continues to tell me that she doesn't like him very much and I ask her why.She tells me that he is always calling her into his office and touches her inappropriately.I decided to tell her about the whole money and picture thing but left out the rape part.The following weekend we went to a community event which was held by our local police department and while we were there we decided to talk to the police.While we were in there my mom noticed that I was gone and walked over to the little rv the police hat set up.She saw me in there and asked me what I was doing and the officer told her that I was making a police report about the incident.She looks shocked to find out what had happened.She whispers to me "You better tell them that your making it up,you are going to ruin his life if you say something like that". I was so hurt to hear that coming from her.She was supposed to stand up for me since she was all I had.I did what she asked and turned to the officer and told him I wasn't going to go threw with it after all.He looked confused and asked if I was sure I looked at my mom and she made this face like you better not do it.So I answered yes I'm sure.He nodded his hand and said ok.I left but the other girl went threw with it.It went to court and he was suspended from his job with pay but I am not sure what happened after.I wasn't allowed to talk to the girl anymore so I couldn't ask how things had gone.Later I found out that there was 1 other girl he did it to.A year goes by and things seem to be getting better for me.I go outside daily to talk with the neighborhood kids and we all hang out and watch movies and such.About 2 houses down from us is a little girl I was 14 she was 8 or so and she always wanted to hang out with me.She had an older brother who at the time was 17 and he would always ask me out telling me that I should be his girlfriend.I found him so gross and old.So I would always tell him no.As time goes on he starts hitting on my mom since she was friends with his mom.This guy looking much older than his age so I didn't know how old he was.He starts coming over at night's to see my mom and takes her out on dates and such.They decide to keep it a secrete because she didn't want his mom to find out.It was like I was in a never ending nightmare.I hated him, I hated my whole life.She decided to move to another part of the city and later his mom found out and they all got into a huge argument over it, since he was married and had kids with this other girl,who I always thought was their cousin.He then moved in with us and man he made my life hell.I had started dating when I was in 8th grade and my boyfriend would come over to see me often and I began to notice that my moms boyfriend wasn't very fond of him.He would always say that he hated him and that he didn't want him near the house,but my mom would still let him go see me.Both my mom and her boyfriend decided to move to Idaho and of course I had to go with them.While in Idaho things got worse.He was always trying to hit on me going into my room and asking me for kisses.One day he had bought us some ice creme cones and I was in my room sitting by the computer using the phone.He opens the door and tells me that he got me an ice creme so I reach my hand out and try to grab the ice creme cone from him.He pulls it back and tells me that I can't have it until I give him a kiss.I stand up and grab the cone from him.Then walk to the bathroom where my mom is fixing her hair and tell her what he said. She looks at him and just says" Danny!" and that was that.I was so angry because again she made me feel like I was lying.I felt like just ending everything so that I could get over the pain.A couple months later in February we decided to go back to Texas.They had just separated and weren't seeing each other.He started coming around again going to our house to see her but by that time (I believe I was 16) I was living with my boyfriend or should I say he was staying with us.We decided to get married in December of 2001.I had met my husband in high school my freshman year and fell in love with him the first time I saw him.He was my guardian angel and I trusted him with my life.He made me feel so different and so much happier than I had ever felt.I didn't tell him right aways about my history but eventually I got around to it.He was so angry to learn everything I had been threw.Not angry at me but angry at the fact that I didn't say anything to any one.We now have 4 beautiful kids and are going on 9 years of marriage tomorrow.Things between us at first were wonderful,but his mom was always putting me down.Telling him that she didn't like me.That's when everything started.It was 2009 and like always I had so many things bottled up inside me so many things I wanted to say but never had the guts to say them.I felt neglected by him and more than that under appreciated.I felt like he wasn't paying any attention to me anymore.Long story short I ended up screwing things up.Yes by that I mean I cheated on him with someone.Although it was a short thing the fact of the matter was I had still done it. I told my husband about it and we had plenty of fights over it and of course all the drama that comes with it.I of course ended it and my husband and I decided to stay together.Things haven't been the same ever since.He isn't the man he used to be.His eyes are full of hate and resentment and he gets angry with me at random moments or for any little thing,which is understandable.It has been a year and a half since the whole thing and things just don't seem to be getting better.Although the things he says and does sometime are very hurtful I love him.I want to make things work between us and still pray every night that they do.At times he is the man he used to be and I love it when he's like that but then it all goes back to crap.So I am due to report to work in a couple of minutes so I am going to get going.This was my history and sorry if I put you to sleep but if you are still reading then yay me.I will continue to post daily and take you with me threw my life's journey and my everyday life.