Why Does It Hurt?

My husband told me today that he didn't know why he chose to stay with me after what happened.I never thought that those words would hurt so much.It was as if I had been shot in the heart and I couldn't breath.I tried hard not to cry because I didn't want him to see my hurt but it was killing me inside.I have prayed every night since the day he chose to work things out with me that things would get better for us and that our relationship would go stronger after.I guess my prayers have been left unheard because it's not going as I expected.How am I supposed to let go? How do I just give him up? I honestly don't think I can.I feel like I can't live without him.I wish I would of thought that way before.Why did I screw up? I am losing everything I have worked for and the one person who loved me for who I was.He made me smile and showed me he loved me all the time.Now going back on it all I can remember how good he was to me.I just don't understand why I couldn't see it before.I guess it is true when they say that you don't know what you have until its gone.I wish there was a way that I could take it all back and do things over.I wish things were the way they used to be.But its to late now huh? I have been with my husband for 9 years and he means alot to me.I am not sure if I can be strong enough to let go.Does that make me selfish? I know it probably does but I guess its just because I really want things to work between us.When I think of us, I see us old and happy in our own home.It sucks to love someone that doesn't love you back.I know that I didn't go threw the same pain that he felt when he found out I had cheated but the pain I have right now is unbearable.Its like my walls are crumbling down and all the world around me is going dark.I love him and that's all I can say.Should I just give him a chance to fly and see what happens then? Maybe that is what I should do but it scares me to let go because I'm afraid he will find someone else and I will be left alone.I just want him to love me back and forgive me for my mistake.Why did he stay with me? Why is he telling me this now? I can't make sense of it.I am hoping that this is all just a bad dream.I am not sure what I am going to do right now but I hope that he will re consider his decision. Does that make me a bad person for keeping him here even though its not where he wants to be? I am just so confused.

Everday I Tell Him

Everyday I tell you I love you with hopes you says it back.I admit I screwed up and through our relationship off track but just answer me this question,will you ever love me back? Everyday I tell you I love you, but still there's no reply.All you do is look at me with hate in your eyes.Will you punish me forever and just sit and watch me cry? Will you tell me that you love me and forgive me for the lies ? I don't know how to fix things and I can't take it anymore.Please tell me will you ever love me like you did before? I'm not ready to stop trying so I'll keep fighting in this war.As I lay here right beside you I watch you while you sleep and reminisce about the love we had a love so special and so deep.Where did things go wrong? Do you know because I don't.I just want things back to the way they were before. Everyday I tell you I love you yet nothing seems to change.Your heart is filled with sadness,anger,and with rage.We have 9 years of marriage and I have put it all to shame.I should of listened when they told me that love was not a game. Now my heart is in this prison of which you hold the key,waiting for the day to come when you will set it free.Today I will tell you I love you and maybe you will love me too.

What An Anniversary

So today was my 9 year anniversary and I had been planning to do something special for my husband since last week and if your married or in a long term relationship,I'm sure you know how hard it can be to try to make it as perfect as you can.So I decided to go buy some sexy lingerie to surprise my husband.I had decided to give him my small surprise tonight and yesterday at midnight I wanted to give him a small preview of what was to come,but things didn't quite turn out the way I planned it.In the middle of my preview session the baby woke up and so we had to check on her.After we thought she had gone back to sleep we continued where we had left off then she started crying again.I guess he got upset or something because he just got up and laid down on the opposite side of the bed from were I was.I asked him what was wrong and he told me that he was just going to go to bed.I asked him not to be that way and asked what was wrong.He of course ignored me.I continued to ask him to tell me what was wrong and boy was that a mistake.He freaking exploded like a damn volcano with steaming lava rushing out.He like usual threw the whole cheating thing in my face.Telling me things that are even to hurtful for me to type.He told me that he didn't love me and that the only thing that would make him happy was me giving him a divorce.It sucks that I went threw so much trouble just to plan what I was going to do for him today and what gift I was going to get him and all I got was a slap in the face.I mean I know he probably still hurts for the mistake that I made but if you don't try to leave the past in the past then you will always keep going back to it.I stayed up crying most of the night because I couldn't believe how mean he could be.I am not sure what you all think about this but maybe I deserve to be treated that way after what happened.I would love to hear what you think so leave me a line or two if you would like to share your 2 cents with me.


   -Jocelynn